The full moon sat atop the night sky, glowing with a certain luminosity unknown to the moon; it almost seemed like the sun. Countless stars lit the dark sky as the lone cedar tree stood erect on the hill. A boy trudged up the hill clutching a metal object tightly in his hand. To him the object felt cold, to him the world felt cold but, he knew it would all be over soon. He trudged his way up to the cedar with a look of darkness in his eyes. His knew when it was all over, he would be liberated from the pain and suffering he had gone through. He propped himself up against the tree and sat looking backward at the glowing city. It almost seemed to reflect the night sky; it was as if he was surrounded in a bubble of stars. Finally, he was being caressed. He held the object; it almost seemed to shine as the moon watched brightly from above. The shining metal gave a gleam that seemed heavenly to him. He turned it over and over again; it would take all his pain away. All his troubles would be gone. He fiddled with it. This piece of beauty will soon free him from the wretched world. He pulled back the hammer with a click. He looked down at the grass below him. Everything seemed so beautiful in this moonlit world. He brought the gun up to his chin, this way he was sure it would end it.
He stopped. He had heard something. He kept the gun there; he knew this was the only option he had. “Wait!” a voice yelled from the darkness. He knew this voice, but he could not tell who this disembodied voice belonged to. A tear had formed in his eye. Yet, he didn’t know why it had formed. He saw a shape come running at him in the distance with beautiful flowing black hair that seemed to shimmer in the moonlight. The small shaped was instantly recognizable. “Get away from me! You weren’t supposed to be here. This is my end.” Tears streamed down both of their faces
“No, it’s not, you can’t do this.”
“There is nothing for me in this world. I’m leaving, goodbye.”
“You still have something to offer to this world.”
“No I don’t, leave me.”
“Yes you do.”
“What then, what do I have to offer this god forsaken world?”
“You are my brother.”
The tears that streamed down his face had now obscured his vision. He refused to wipe his face, there was no reason to. He let out a whimper as his sister walked up to him. “No!” He yelled wildly. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger. He’d known he could do it yet, something was here that prevented him from doing so. Was it his sister?
“Listen, haven’t you noticed anything? I’ve always been here for you; I’m your little sister. Just ‘cause everyone else is mean, doesn’t mean no one is there. I always want to help you. Remember that time where you came downstairs and I had dinner made? You always made dinner, but why do you think that I did that for you. You cried in your room so that I couldn’t hear. I did hear. I hear all of your cries for help. I want to help.”
She sat down next to him and touched his arm. He was sweating and shaking. He cried when he felt her warmth. He kept the gun there. She wiped away his tears from his face. He could now see her clearly; her elegant face was filled with tears.
“Please, I want to help.” She said, her words smothered in tears.
“You can’t do anything.”
“Yes I can, I will help you; you just have to wait.”
“I’ve waited long enough, and there is nothing you can do to help!”
She looked away and watched the city. The lights twinkled in the distance; she could see that he was not reaching back.
“I will help you, I promise. Remember the first time when we were here on this hill, you told me this was your favorite spot in the world. You loved this place more than anything else. On that day you said something else while we were here. Do you remember what you said to me?”
He never once looked at his sister while they were there; he kept staring down but not at the grass this time. He was staring off at something much deeper almost like hell itself. He shook his head which caused some tears to fall onto the grass. As his tears fell, they seemed dark, as if they possessed his sadness somewhere within them. His sister turned back to look at him. Through her tears she was smiling.
“You told me that the world was hard, that was part of the world.”
He didn’t change his gaze at all, he wasn’t even phased from it. He already knew this; this was why he had to end it.
“What you meant wasn’t what I took away from that, I realized that there is no world where everyone is nice, no fairy tales exists. That’s the point; we have to learn from all the horrible things that have happened to us. Take flowers for example. A flower that blooms in a greenhouse is beautiful, and there is no denying that. Although, a flower that blooms in the wild, that has withstood rain, wind, and snow, has something more than just beauty.”
At this he started shaking his head. This didn’t seem like a direct response to what was said, it was almost as if he was talking to himself. His sister had shifted her gaze out across the grass.
“We don’t get a choice in this world whether we bloom in a greenhouse or in the field. I’m sure you want to bloom in the greenhouse instead of underneath a lawnmower. Yet, the flower that booms in the field would be an idiot to want to live in the greenhouse. A life where you have suffered turmoil is better than one without any suffering. Right now you are under the lawnmower. The only thing is, that a lawnmower does not last forever, it will always move on, if it doesn’t it will run out of gas. You have to last for that long. All will be better. We all have to try our hardest to make the best flower. Do you see any of the flowers out there giving up? They all want to bloom and usually do. Do any of them say I give up? No. If you can survive a lawnmower however, then you will be the strongest of all the flowers. Do you really want to stop here because of a little suffering?”
He seemed to cry even louder now. The gun slowly moved away from his chin. His sister reached for it and took it. She took the gun from his hand gently. He didn’t resist as his hands trembled away from the gun. She placed the gun gently down next to them. She embraced him with the biggest hug she could muster. He couldn’t move his arms to embrace her, they were limp and incapable of moving. “I’ve always been reaching my hand out to you,” she cried. “All you had to do was to reach back.” She hugged him tighter. All he had to do was to hug back, and then she would know that he understood. He tried his best to raise his arms, he thought about all the things he had suffered, bullying at school, their mother never being at home, their father’s death. Her sister interrupted his thoughts, “I know what you are thinking; should I really do this? The answer is yes, yes you should. You just have to trust me. Think about all the good things in life for once. For once think about the good things.” His arms were only half way around her. He’s always been good at learning, he loved science, he had his secret spot, he had gotten a 99.89 average in school; he never even considered how much good there was. He also never thought of how his actions would affect others, he never thought about his sister.
He had not given a moment thought to how his sister would be once he had left the world. How would she have lived? That dinner she made was horrible, he could barley eat it, canned ravioli and micro waved buffalo wings, yet he couldn’t say no or say that it was bad. He had said nothing that day. Not even thanks. He never thought about how his sister felt about everything. His arms rose higher now. He embraced her sister. “I’m sorry” They sat there hugging each other, each one refusing to move. After what seemed like hours he finally mustered a “Thank you”. His sister had burst into tears crying at this point. He thought about how he could change everything, how everything could be better now. The only question was, would it really be better now? Is anything going to change? He cared not in that moment. He embraced his sister and cleared those thoughts from his mind. For once he was happy. For once, he was happy. He would never let this moment slip away.
Excerpt from:
Hans Schroeder (2009)
As I watch the Jews die from either toxic gases, incineration, or a fatal but directed bullet, I feel that my heart shrivels up each time as I keep back the urge to assist the Jews. In my brain my consciousness tells me that if I do attempt to assist the Jews I would be instantly shot by any nearby brothers. Or they would instantly report me to our commanding officer, and my family would be mercilessly slaughtered. This is why I know I have to keep control over my body and releasing itself from my speech. One false move, then I would be dead. Every moment of my existence, I feel a new "me" is a cage hidden in my heart. I fear that it is only a matter of time before my inner self will burst free from the bars that hold it back, and I would be slowly murdered. I don't understand this strange sensation that is approaching me faster and faster. It seems that it is hurtling toward me with no stop in sight. It is basically a freight train rushing along the track at speeds unreachable by even aircraft. I fear that one day someone will find this journal and kill me without hesitation. I must dispose of this journal when I fear that my death is within arms length. I could always hide this among the countless Jewish bodies scattered throughout the execution field. Yes, then no one would expect it was me. I don't think that this quiet little secret will remain a secret for much longer. My brain has those images branded into it, images of helpless people flailing around hopelessly as they are hauled along to the countless trucks which will ship them out to the execution pit. If only I could share these secrets to my hearts content with someone, anyone that will be willing to listen without ordering my instant death. I might be given a slow painful death with the charge of treason against Nazi Germany.
Except from:
Revolutionary Hero (2010)
Suddenly a loud bang rang in his ears. He felt no pain or any shock. He reopened his eyes and the figure was gone. His rifle lay on the ground in front of him as he noticed the bloodied figure, dead on the ground. Over his left shoulder he saw Jeff in his blood stained blue uniform reloading his rifle and running over to him at the same time. "Are you okay John?" Jeff said, as he took out his knife. "Yeah, I'm alright, it's just my head...ugh." John said as he collapsed into Jeff. Jeff stumbled back and started dragging him off to the side. Jeff pulled him by a bush away from the battle and propped him against a tree. "Stay here, everyone is going to be alright." Jeff said. Then he left him to fight once more.
The smoke from the battle drifted slowly and eerily into the woods. The trees seemed to be covered with a thick mist that whispered memories. The sky was darkened by the smoke of battle. The colorful autumn leaves slipped off the branches and drifted down to meet with the forest floor. John sat there waiting for something, but he didn't know what he was waiting for. Thunder rumbled in the distance, as the first drops of rain came down on his leg. Inside the drop he could see the battle, Jeff was fighting. Jeff was fighting to protect him. John clutched his shoulder wound tightly as the cool autumn breeze drifted by. He could feel tears drip down his face, or was it just the rain. Did he have a reason to cry? He could not remember.
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